Erotic love is as essential as groceries and yet, most of us are starving to death, or eating at McDonalds. The phrase “erotic love” is usually interpreted as sex or perhaps Neo-Tantra, but this is not what it originally meant. Once Tantra meant something far more profound and intelligent than the corrupt modern conceptions of this ancient art and science that have spread all over the globe. In some communities, tantrikas were selected at puberty and spent years being trained in raising their vital energy (known as kundalini) so that they could then share this powerful method of connecting with the divine with their partners. Apart from the classical education in body-mind refinement, they were taught disciplines such as herbal and energy healing, gardening, economics—both home and macro—agriculture, and in all of these was love. Tantra was a weaving of love into all aspects of life and yes, that did include sex.
Searching the Cologne Digital Sanskrit Lexicon for the word love, one finds 531 responses. This is much greater than the dozen or so words in Greek and far beyond the Hollywood mushy gushy, codependent portrayal of love. It is possible to look at love as an energy spectrum, much like the Visible Light Spectrum (VLS). Of course, the VLS is only a tiny part of the Electromagnetic Spectrum. It is possible love is much bigger than we can see, and far more powerful than we’ve been told. Then, when we consider the color red representing the erotic love segment of the VLS, it is a very small part. But now, “passion” can be viewed as the amplitude of that energy. Passion will work for us in any endeavor. And, this view offers “rational” explanations for what appear to be irrational experiences.
Generally speaking, neither science nor sexperts look too closely at love. Dr. Helen Fisher attributes love to brain chemistry and says it only lasts until the children are old enough to raid the icebox. (Four to seven years old.) Dr. Cindy Meston states that women have sex because it feels good. For most guys this is true all the time—but not so for many women. She also in another study cites 237 reasons why humans have sex.
Most of us do not bother to define sex or even think about a definition. I had to create a definition to state what I was talking about. Sex is the mental and/or physical stimulation of nerve endings and other areas, creating proteins and electrochemical energy that may result in pleasurable involuntary muscle contractions in the genitalia and other sexual responses. Most of sexual science ignores the “mental stimulation” and the other responses. For some, the mental stimulation is the most important part of the event. Science has shown that it is possible to produce an orgasmic experience without genital contact. It is scientifically called, “thinking off.” Really!
Science looks at hormones and other proteins produced in the orgasmic experience. Few look at where these originate: our genes. There is very little about enzymes, probably because they are used up in the experience. There is science on how fear creates methyl groups on our genes, preventing or modifying the production of proteins. The collection of these groups on our genes, as well as other chemical groups functioning in a similar fashion, is called the epigenome. As an example, if these methyl groups form on a gene producing dopamine, the feeling of pleasure will be changed or diminished in that individual. However, though there is no other science on love as energy and no science other than mechanical on our epigenome, love appears to dissolve the fear based methyl groups. We don’t know if that is what happens, but something in this process does work!
Much authoritative misinformation about sex and love exists in the literature. Dr. Beverly Whipple is one who at least says, “The data suggest…” or “it appears that…” She also says, “All women are different.” That could be an understatement. Knowledge comes from experience. Beliefs generally come from what we are told and our perception of our experience. “Sex is about pleasure.” If you have had pleasure in a sexual experience, then you believe it. From experience and anecdotal evidence of others, the pleasure is always greater when the partners are in love with each other. There are far more sexual responses than ‘orgasmic pleasure’ of which we have not been told. We are both misinformed and misled down the pleasure path without love. Pleasure is good, but there is so much more.
What we call “romance” are actually behaviors of love: actions given freely because we want to give, without expectation of a return. These behaviors are identified as Communication, Nourishing, Touching, Grooming, Gazing, Protection, Play, Smelling, and Sharing. Most of real foreplay takes place out of the bedroom. Think about it. The purpose of foreplay is to get her aroused and ready. If she is already aroused and ready when you get to the bedroom, there is no need, except maybe to start her orgasmic experiences by touching and kissing.
There are characteristics or attributes of love we “see” or feel in us. These are: Acceptance, Admiration, Adoration, Appreciation, Cherishing, Compassion, Devotion, Empathy, Gratitude, Intimacy, Joy, Kindness, Mercy, Respect, Reverence, and Trust. Erotic love is simply bringing as many of these attributes, particularly the last three, and as many of the behaviors as possible into the bedroom with you. Once you get used to this new attitude, it becomes simple. Now I have to answer the question, “Why?”
In Think and Grow Rich, Napoleon Hill devoted a chapter to “The Mystery of Sex.” He says, “The combination of love, sex and romance can raise a man from mediocrity to the altitude of genius.” (Women too, but Hill couldn’t say that in 1937.) Notice that Hill puts love first, and then ignores it. If we look at love dissolving our fear based methyl groups, and perhaps others, in terms of our “original” DNA, we become more authentic and less fear “normalized.” Who knows what unique talents and awareness will arise from our authenticity? It appears that love is the mystery, not the sex. Sex and romance never worked for me. Love did.
 Fisher, Helen, Why We Love, Henry Holt & Co. (An Owl Book) New York, 2004
 Meston Cindy M., Buss, David M., Why Women Have Sex, Henry Holt and Company, New York, 2009
 Meston Cindy M., Buss, David M., Why Humans Have Sex, Arch Sex Behav. (2007) 36:477–507 DOI 10.1007/s10508-007-9175-2
 Hill, N., Think and Grow Rich, Wilder Publications, LLC, Radford VA.1937