I have now three criteria for intimate relationships
- A mutual desire for unity
- Lotsa love.
- Great sex.
This is exactly the reverse order in which I studied these things, but I’ve always done things backwards.
Unity: oneness with
It starts at home, with me. It comes from loving myself. This is different from narcissism and being completely selfish. It is more like taking care of one’s self: physically, emotionally and spiritually. That is going to vary for each of us, so I’m not going to get into absolutes.
Once we know pretty much who we really are, rather than what society and others have told us who we are, then we are ready to receive or look for someone with whom we can share our life. Contrary to popular opinion, it is always going to be my life, just as it is always going to be her life. “Gears meshing smoothly” is one metaphor. Two gears are always going to be two gears, meshing to make things work. But both have this desire to blend and mesh THEIR lives into a life together. Pick your own metaphor.
You all know by now, I look at love as an energy spectrum, said energy being delivered through the heart rather than the head. This too, has to be mutual, though it will vary from time to time around the spectrum. One can love another to near infinite heights, and it won’t work if not reciprocated. Even when reciprocated it won’t work without the desire for unity. Love as a feeling comes and goes. The energy is always there. How we let it in to us and focus it on another is a different story.
This is another one up for grabs. My views on great sex have changed significantly. Great sex can come from quickies in the presence of love, just as a reminder you are together as a pair of gears meshing. It can be had in those sessions lasting for hours or with transcendent sexual experiences. The definition of great sex is an individual subjective thing. I think it may have more to do with our desire to give ourselves and our responses to one another than looking for a response from the other.
In the beginning of my sexual life it was about notches in my belt. I got so many my pants fell down. Then it was about pleasing her. I was wearying of the continual chase. Figure out how to please one and I wouldn’t have to chase as much. Then I fell in love and transmitted that love sexually. It was entirely different: ecstasy as compared to pleasure. It didn’t last either. I instinctively knew the desire for unity was not there, but when ahead anyway, kidding myself.
Now, I’ve decided to reverse my order and go for mutual desire for unity, then love and the great sex will follow. This is not to say I won’t break this order of things, but unity will always be primo! We’ll see how this works.