There are a thousand ways to make love with a woman. If you add sex, you have one thousand and one. Each of these basic ways has many variations, some of which you may already do. Add some more!
There are six basic behaviors of Love: Communicating, Nourishing, Touching, Grooming, Gazing and Playing. Each of these is a mechanism for transmitting love. Remember, we can love the guys on our softball team, without wanting to take a shower with them. These behaviors are applicable across the spectrum, with different degrees of intimacy, within social and cultural boundaries. Many of these current boundaries I find excessively restrictive.
Look at the words “love” and “being in love.” The latter is more geared to erotic love, which is what we are talking about. The current culture errs in not bringing the other segments of the love spectrum into play when we are “in love” with a woman. None of us are going to be “perfect” nor do we have to be. We don’t have to like everybody. We can love them from a distance. People who man the lines at soup kitchens usually don’t know the persons on the other side of the table, yet they are aiding in nourishing the needy: a gift of love. There are too many ways to love others for this blog, with combinations of these behaviors. But you get the idea.
Communication. This is a biggie! Talking is a variation and expansion of mating calls. Robin Williams in The Dead Poet’s Society noted that man invented language to woo women. Fortunately, the wooing never stops and gets better with time… if we work on it. Both of us! There are also times when it is best to shut up. Knowing your partner means knowing when these times are. Our voices generate sonic energy. We each have our own unique tone quality. More importantly, there are “overtones” reflecting the sincerity of what is in our heart. (I think this is how a girl’s crapmeter works.) I’ve known guys with squeaky voices who are married to some wonderful women. Although how we sound is #2 on the general attraction list for girls, it is not the whole bag.
Definitions. Next, come the words we use, and how the other party interprets them, rather than how we mean them. Take the word “cunt.” Today, and for over 200 years, (in English) it is viewed as a vile disgusting and derogatory word. There are many authoritative guesses as to its origin, most dating back to about 3000 BCE in different parts of the world. In India, it comes from the word kunda, transliterated as “bowl” or “water pot.” This in turn gave us the Kundalini, the sacred-snake life force, or sexual response. In Sumeria, the cuneiform symbol for woman was the inverted triangle (chalice) with the vertical cleft: an obvious representation of the vulva. The symbol also meant “giver of life.” Modern archeologists, who have little knowledge of sexual biology, interpret this as childbirth. I suggest it may also be a giver of a new, metaphysical life. Reginier de Gaff around 1660 suggested the word came from the stylus used to make the cleft in dampened clay, cunnus in Latin. Yet in the 1785 edition of Grose’s Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue has it as, “****.” The 1788 edition has it as “c**t – a nasty word for a nasty thing.” In the dark ages it was a playful word, and still is in some other European languages.
So, even though your intention may be to express your awe and gratitude to your beloved for awakening your creative life force, and allowing you to know her magnificent essence, it is not suggested you call her a cunt, until you know how she will receive this word.
Words are also important during the act of making love, providing audio energy to complement the sexual energy being generated below, as well as providing a focal mechanism away from the physical. In Tantric sex, there are mantras to recite. Many women are turned on by the use of four-letter words. “Love” is a good one to use, but that was not what is generally meant.
Syntax. How do we string words together?
“You Should…” There are also words and phrases we need to stay away from. English is a funny language. “Should” is an auxiliary, or “helping,” verb, designed to be used in the subjunctive, or “iffy,” mode. An example would be, “Should we go to the movies today?” Or, “Should this come to pass, then all will be well.” In the last sentence, we could substitute “if” for “should.” The subjects of the sentences follow the auxiliary verb, “should.”
Now, let’s turn it backwards and put the subject “you” before the auxiliary verb should, and the mode of the sentence changes from the subjunctive (iffy) to the declarative mode, or “You should do thus and such!” This is a mechanism for transmitting toxic shame! The nasty thing is you can’t transmit what you don’t have. So, quit using it and quit listening to it! All our lives we’ve been told what we should and shouldn’t do. Seldom do people bother to explain that behaving in a certain way could be beneficial or detrimental to our well-being. They just say, “You should…!” So we pick up the habit. When it comes to erotic love, we hear “You shouldn’t!” (If you heard that, you weren’t supposed to. Quit listening to it!) This is just an addendum for your consideration.
It is easy to say, “You should treat women with respect.” I’m not going to tell anybody what they should or should not do. I want to give you a reason, or many reasons, why it is in your best interest or interests to do so.
Nourishing. Nourishing includes feeding, emotional uplifting, “spiritual” guidance and sometimes we can nourish with a touch: a pat on the back or a touch on the arm. We should note that women are better at spiritual guidance than men! Feeding is another important task. Men (in our culture) are supposed to bring home the bacon and women are supposed to cook it up. This is a long accepted division of labor, but there is no writing in stone and men usually control the back-yard barbeque, some help with the dishes and perform many other chores once relegated to women. As a woman “sweats” over a hot stove, men “sweat” over a hot barbeque. It is more than a sense of pride that accompanies us bringing the perfectly done steaks to the table; it is an offering of love. More guys need to think of it this way!
Emotional uplifting is required. Generally, a relationship you want to last won’t, in an atmosphere of criticism, sarcasm, shaming and other forms of negativity. Why? When one points his or her finger at another, three fingers point back. The damage we do to ourselves is three times the damage we do to others. Unfortunately, we are all “perfect” where we are. The point is to improve ourselves and allow those around and with us to grow as well. When we damage ourselves, we will be “perfect” there too. We’ll just have a harder road to climb. This includes non-sexual relationships as well.
Consider “spiritual guidance” not as throwing out quotes from the Bible or Koran, but rather removing your ego from the situation as much as possible and focusing on the “us” and “we,” and love.”
We “nourish” our friends as well. We may spring for lunch, or just listen to their problems, or give them a pat on the back. We may do something for them that they are incapable of doing or help them lift something heavy or simply give them their space.
Touching. Touching may or may not be erotic in nature. An “ataboy” pat on the back is certainly not erotic in nature. But, there are far more erotic touches than most of us are aware. Every inch of a woman’s body can be an “erotic zone” if and when the desire to be touched by her lover is present. Men aren’t too shabby either. This type of erotic play has not been generally encouraged in men. Getting touched in new places means becoming intimate with your partner. (Get over it! You’ll probably enjoy it!) Having knowledge of your partner’s whole body and her of your’s, can provide for some very interesting and pleasurable experiences. Note in the chart, there are many different kinds of touch. Do you know which one is most enjoyed by your partner and in what location? Find out! We should point out one of the first and best known books on erotic love, The Kama Sutra, recommends three days of non-genital erotic play before consummating a marriage. We can wonder if anybody ever listened to that advise. But, it is a good idea to gain knowledge of the rest of your partner’s body, as well as that of which you already have knowledge. It isn’t too late to start.
Other forms of love also exhibit touching behaviors. With parents and infants, or parents and children, hugs are a mechanism for exhibiting love to (and from) the child. In some cultures and Western sub-cultures, hugs may be an expression of close friendship (love). Have you ever seen NFL players after winning a game? However, it is not suggested that a stranger-fan grab one for a hug off the street. This not only represents an expression of joy, but a reinforcement of the bond they have. Strangers don’t have this bond. This may seem obvious, but it is applicable in many situations and that goes back to boundaries.
This matrix is obviously to be used with some common sense. You don’t want to spank, pinch, squeeze or otherwise possibly injure various body parts like the eyes. Also, one size does not fit all. Women have tremendous potential with varying touches on different parts of their bodies and exploration is half the fun.
Kinds of Non-Genital, Erotic Touch Matrix
Erotic Touching by hand, by mouth by tongue or by nose
Where on body /Petting Rubbing Stroking Squeezing Pinching Spanking Other
Back of Ear
Smelling. This was deliberately left out of the six. It is a much more private behavior. Some time after a bath, an hour or two when her natural body smell returns, give her a big smell, from the tip of her little toe on the left foot, up, down and all around to the tip of her toe on the right foot. Take the time to smell her… all over! You’ll be amazed at what it can do for you… and her! She may not tell you she likes to smell your sweaty work shirts, but a lot of women do. They are getting down to the real you!
As how you sound was generally #2 in your attraction to women, how you smell is #1. I’m not talking BO or the cologne and anti-perspirant you use. Here we speak of something deep seated and primal in women. According to Buss and Meston, most women have the ability to smell the aroma generated by our Major Histocompatibility Complex (MHC) located on chromosome #6. This is an indicator of how strong the immune system of your offspring will be. You either smell “right” or “wrong.” I don’t know if there is anything we can do about it, or why would we want to? We are who we are. Further, if we hook-up with her, a) she may not be able to stand our smell when we are making love, and b) our kids may be sick all the time.
I think we guys are wired differently. Our sense of smell is more directed to prey or game, with one exception as it relates to women. Some women have a hair smell on the top of their head I can only describe as “dysfunctional.” This is how I perceived it at the time. This doesn’t mean they are going to screw up another guy’s life; they may smell fine to somebody else. I see no difference between the smell on the top of their head and how I perceive it, and my MHC and how they perceive it. Anyway, no matter how desirable they are physically, and emotionally, I would suggest backing off. All it means is they aren’t for you.
I’m just as sure there are other reasons for rejection, but I like this one. So, if your advances have been gentle and in kind gently rebuked, and you still like this woman as a human being as well as being sexually attracted to her body, keep her around and use her for bait. Truth is, other women will see you just enjoying her company, recognize what you like, and they may like your smell. A word of caution. Some birth control pills mask a woman’s ability to smell MHC aroma. If you hook-up, begin to believe each other are the greatest thing since sliced bread, and get married, you might be courting trouble. You decide to have kids, she goes off birth control pills, and now she can smell you. You may smell OK or she may not be able to stand your smell. There go the house and kids! You stand there scratching your head wondering what you did wrong? Nothing, except you didn’t give her the chance to check you out with her nose.
Grooming. Grooming is a specialized form of touching. Its purpose is to make our partner look or feel better. Women can give their men manicures. Guys, if you are cutting your nails with diagonal side-cutters, this will be a treat! Hair brushing is something many women enjoy. Some do not and one has to learn from the partner what she likes. Sometimes, simply sticking a flower behind her ear is a nice gesture, but again, this depends on the woman. A foot washing and massage can lead to unintended consequences! (One woman reported having orgasms with foot massages.) Generally speaking, there are no erotic intentions when grooming. This is simply a gift of love, one from and to the other.
Brush her hair
Wash and massage her hands with her hand cream.
Wash and massage her feet.
Give her a bath, from outside the tub! When washing her down there, treat it like it was your new Ferrari! Or, tell her she is a big girl and can wash her self down there. Give her some toys to play with: a ball or rubber ducky. This is for the little girl inside her. After the bath is a different story.
Ask her what she likes. She may want you to shampoo her hair, or she may not.
While we are on the subject of bathing, it was an ancient Hebrew tradition for the bride and groom to take a bath together. It was more of a baptismal than a bath: a symbolic way of washing away the past so they could begin together, anew.
“The soul that can speak through the eyes can also kiss with a gaze” ~
Gustavo Adolfo Becquer.
Softly looking each into the other’s eyes. Eyes can be windows to the soul. Can you see it? One of the bonding exercises in the Kama Sutra is the man sitting in a chair, entered into the woman sitting astraddle him. There is no pelvic action, just gazing each into the other’s eyes. The objective is to strengthen the intimate bond, not produce an orgasm. Although perhaps not quite as effective, it can be done fully clothed, without entry. One wonders if love can be transmitted through the eyes as well as through genital merging? Probably. You can also touch hands, palm to palm and “hand dance” in this position.
There is also “solitary” gazing. They don’t have to know you are looking at them. You can just look with eyes filled with love. In the musical, “I Do! I Do!” with lyrics by Tom Jones and music by Harvy Schmidt, the song , “My Cup Runneth Over” begins,
Sometimes in the mornin’ when shadows are deep
I lie here beside you just watching you sleep
And sometimes I whisper what I’m thinking of
My cup runneth over with love
Sometimes in the evening when you do not see
I study the small things you do constantly
I memorize moments that I’m fondest of
My cup runneth over with love
The musical was based on the play, The Fourposter by Jan de Hartog, which opened on Broadway in 1951. The musical followed in 1966. The play and the musical, have only two characters, a man and wife and completely set in a bedroom! It spans the years from 1890 to 1925. One must wonder at the beauty of love, seemingly lost by our modern culture. Of course, that was before TV was in every room.
These are all basic behaviors of love. There are many more, including body language. As an example, notice a couple sitting next to each other with legs crossed. With the top legs pointing at each other, the couple is probably getting on well. With the legs pointed away, they may be having a disagreement. Most of the time, body language is subconscious. Sometimes the other behaviors of love are subconscious as well, springing from a desire to love; to transmit love to that special person, whether you or they know it or not.
Playing. Life isn’t supposed to be all somber and sacred. It is already sacred whether we like it or not. So why not have some fun too? Let your “inner child” out to play. It is not recommended you get into a water fight while washing the car on a first or early date, but later? We guys, and some girls, are being conditioned to be competitive. Years ago I was involved in family softball. It was just about having fun. We would have 4-year olds at bat (with assistance) hitting home runs (with the help of many errors) and wind up with double-digit football scores. It was just for fun. Pregnant women would waddle to first base. God! How we laughed.
Have you ever played Scrabble just to see who could make up the silliest word?Maybe she puts down, “ARHGGHO.” You ask her for the definition and she tells you that is the sound you make when you are having an orgasm. It is a good 7-letter word, but who cares? Lighten up.
There is also erotic play. When you are inside of her, ask her to “squeeze” you out. Don’t resist at first. Let her do it. Two things go on here. First, it empowers her and second, it strengthens her muscles. Great exercise.
Comparison. Now that we have looked at how love energy is transmitted through behaviors, we can make a comparison to heat energy. Heat energy is transmitted by three mechanisms: radiation, convection and conductivity. Conduction is the same as touching. When you touch a hot object to a cooler object, the heat is transferred from the hotter to the cooler, and warms it up. In human touching, it’s what you are thinking at the time of the touch. The touch may be out of compassion for comforting, or erotic in nature. Love energy is still conducted by the touch.
Radiation is like gazing. We on earth get radiant energy from the sun. It radiates through space to warm what it touches. When we gaze at or into our woman, we are radiating love. Convection works a little differently, like the old steam radiator. The steam in the pipes warms the radiator and that warms the molecules of air next to it. Eventually, the air in the room warms up and we warm up with it. The air acts as a medium of transmittal. This is more like nourishing, when we sweat over a hot steak and bring it in to her, cooked just the way she likes it. The steak is the medium through which our love is transferred.
Love is an action verb and love smells like sweat and time. The question is what are YOUR behaviors of love? How many ways do YOU SHOW love to your beloved? Do your wash her car? (That’ll work up a sweat!) Pick (not buy) flowers? Brush her hair? I hope you have to buy a notebook to fill up. Remember, it’s the little things that count, along with the best balance and diversity you can bring into the relationship.
Copyright Art Noble 2010
 Blackledge, C., The Story of V, p. 85, Rutgers University Press, 2004
 Ogden, G., Whipple, B., Safe Encounters. p. 62-63. Mcgraw-Hill, New York, NY, 1988
 Meston Cindy M., Buss, David M., Why Humans Have Sex, Arch Sex Behav. (2007) 36:477–507 DOI 10.1007/s10508-007-9175-2